To thine own self be Awesome.

Certainly this happens to many women and men as they pass into their 40's. Putting on the brakes, slowing down long enough to take stock of our lives. What we would change, what we would keep the same. Doing our best to come to terms with the knowledge we can not change any of it even if we wanted to because those moments in time have passed us by long ago. But the present and future can be changed if we truly wish. Learn from your past but do not become a slave to it.

Our lives are not stuck in ruts or riding on rails with no hope of changing course. With this in mind I have taken stock of my own life, addressed areas of myself I am unhappy with, made lists, written goals, read self-improvement books by those who have also taken stock and successfully made positive change.  Opened up to friends with similar questions. Relived painful memories. Become aware of repeating cycles of negative behavior. Watched Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2 five times. Dug deep. Found enlightenment as I shed each defensive layer. In essence, I stopped bullshitting myself. If you think your life is without hope of a course change than I would argue fear is causing you to lie to yourself.

Through this soul searching and heightened awareness I discovered more than one example of my own negative cyclic behavior and at that very moment of stunned realization wished I had the flexibility to kick myself . . . hard.
 Some of what I learned was not surprising but some of what I learned about myself, and why I do the things I do, blew me away. Until reading Ten Days to Self Discipline I had no clue how strongly I was affected by fear. Fear of failure, success and rejection. And of course, how skilled I had become in the art of escape and delay so I would not have to face my fears.

Finding myself . . . reconnecting to me. Waking up to the realization that I have not been so kind to myself over the years really ticked me off. I have been hyper critical. To put it in the harshest of terms, abused myself physically for years through over eating.  As is often the case, the mental cruelty would be my worst offense.  If I were my spouse or friend treating me this way I would have left my ass in a second. I have often said we should avoid the toxic people trying to poison our lives with cut downs and negativity. But what do you do when you discover you may be toxic to yourself?
Oh dear. Every time I get close to a truth, fear makes me want to run. Fight or flight?
Today I fight.
Fear caused me to close myself off from knowing the best of me. In reality the best of me far outweighed the small imperfections. And even those small imperfections are part of what may have made me the open minded, patient, kind simply awesome personal I am.  Certainly I have a long way to go before I feel I am wholly the person I want to be but at least now I realize there is nothing wrong with the person I am today. As we've heard many times before, becoming aware of the problem is only the first step. But that is okay and the whole point of life and this blog.  Life is a journey of learning, growth and becoming. Taking the time to ask ourselves where do we want to take our lives and Are we there yet?

 From that discovery came this mantra . . .

To thine own self be Awesome.  

This mantra is not only a reminder to be good to yourself, treating yourself awesomely.
It is primarily a statement of truth that everyone should repeat to themselves out loud again and again until you finally accept/believe that you, yourself, as a being, are truly awesome. Stop hurting your self. Stop looking for outside sources to affirm your quality, your worth, your loveliness. Stop letting fear keep you from attempting and accomplishing your goals. Know you are a wonderful addition to this world and you have gifts to share. Know you have the strength to face your fears and take the leap out of your comfort zone. Accept that you are in charge of your life and the path it takes. No one else can take control of your life; you have to give it to them. You choose, I choose. And today I choose
To thine own self be Awesome.