First Step

I have been pushing myself hard to begin working out again the last few months. Truthfully, have been trying to get into a groove for the last year and a half since I stopped working.  I really should not be able to use the excuse that I have no time. Day after day I told myself I would start working out tomorrow.  Or I would plan a few weeks ahead to start working out once I had that great job. It's amazing how quickly time can fly by. Looking back at all the time wasted has only made me feel worse. Every evening, feeling worn out and stiff I tell myself I must get up and work out first thing in the morning. Exercise is the only way to turn back the clock, increase my energy, strengthen my body and improve my own opinion of myself. Also the only real way to lose excess weight that makes getting through the average day more difficult. I know all of this and I know I have the knowledge to be come fit.

But every morning some excuse or delay tactic would keep me from the simple goal of setting myself in motion. Whether the excuse was needing to catch up on sleep after a difficult night getting my daughter to go to bed or wanting to quickly finish a few jobs around the house;  I just couldn't seem to get to that one thing I kept telling myself was most important. So then I plan to work out later in the day or maybe in the evening after my husband got home from work. Once the day started rolling exercise was forgotten, but the disappointment in myself and my body was not.  

How often do you look at your body in the mirror, clothed or unclothed, and feel disgusted with yourself? I feel that way almost every single time. And don't even get me started about photos. I dress quickly, doing my best to focus on the image in the mirror from the neck up believing honestly that I am a pretty woman with great hair. Fabulous eyes. Well they were fabulous eyes. If my face gets any more tired and puffy they will disappear. Also believing that my head is only the tip of the ice burg. So mean to myself I know but looking at that baby belly and thighs brings tears to my eyes and and ache in my chest.

Again I know if I want to change I must choose to move . . . now. I must make the first step if there is ever going to be a second. My husband can not do it for me. Nor can I let his fear of my success stop me. My daughter can not do it for me. They will gladly support me I know it but still I have to begin by supporting myself. I have all the tools and the desire but what I lack I feel is the will. So what was I waiting for?
Finally, last week, I willed myself to move.
Finally, last week, something changed when I woke up, I would not let myself off the hook. A few moments of laying there in bed telling myself to GET UP! And oh my God I did get up. I took that first step and then another and another. Put my shoes on, packed my phone and iPod, told my still half asleep husband I was going for a walk and then actually did it. Our neighborhood is so peaceful and pretty in the morning. Upbeat, motivating music kept me going strong for at least a half hour. When I came home instead of groggy and stiff I felt good about myself, energized, ready to attack the day. And proud. I was proud of myself.  The next morning, I did it again. This time putting myself in motion was much easier, still fresh the memory of happiness I experienced from the walk the day before. I took one day off to give my poor old feet a rest but jumped right back in the following day adding 10 minutes and more hills to my work out. Again today I got moving, even earlier, before my husband went to work AND it was drizzling outside, fat rain drops. Returned home drenched but smiling.

Focus on moving right now. Now. Not later today or tomorrow or next week when you are sure you will be less busy. And do not set a goal of losing weight by a special event happening three months from now. Because you will keep telling yourself it is never too late as long as there is still time between today and that date. Suddenly the day will be upon you and you have not exercised at all. So you set a new date again and again.  (Sense I am talking to myself. Reaffirming what I have learned.)

A time will come, sooner than we like, when it will be too late to take that first step toward achieving your goals. Take the energy you burn being angry and disappointed in yourself and move, stand up, take the first step now. No reason to wait. Do not wait.
The sense of pride I felt from taking the first step pushed me towards the second step and the step after. I know it will pick me up when I fall and set me in motion once again.

To thine own self be Awesome.

Certainly this happens to many women and men as they pass into their 40's. Putting on the brakes, slowing down long enough to take stock of our lives. What we would change, what we would keep the same. Doing our best to come to terms with the knowledge we can not change any of it even if we wanted to because those moments in time have passed us by long ago. But the present and future can be changed if we truly wish. Learn from your past but do not become a slave to it.

Our lives are not stuck in ruts or riding on rails with no hope of changing course. With this in mind I have taken stock of my own life, addressed areas of myself I am unhappy with, made lists, written goals, read self-improvement books by those who have also taken stock and successfully made positive change.  Opened up to friends with similar questions. Relived painful memories. Become aware of repeating cycles of negative behavior. Watched Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2 five times. Dug deep. Found enlightenment as I shed each defensive layer. In essence, I stopped bullshitting myself. If you think your life is without hope of a course change than I would argue fear is causing you to lie to yourself.

Through this soul searching and heightened awareness I discovered more than one example of my own negative cyclic behavior and at that very moment of stunned realization wished I had the flexibility to kick myself . . . hard.