Our Journey Takes a Change of Direction

Sharing with an old friend (I hadn't seen in 20 years but had reconnected with 2 years ago) has been a wealth of clues to my own behaviors. Behaviors I wanted to change. Not long ago, during a chat about something completely unrelated a thought crossed my mind . . . I wasn't treating myself very well. The source of this notion being unclear did not make the revelation any less shocking. I'm pissed off . . . at myself! Having the habit of typing faster than I can think I asked my dear friend if she ever sensed that she was angry at herself. Regretting she would think I was bats her answer filled me with relief. She answered quickly with a bond strengthening "Yes! What is up with that?" Again, discovering I was not alone.

Out of sight but never out of mind. Thoughts of my neglected blog nag at me almost daily. Probably due to good old Catholic guilt. So why do I have a difficult time sitting down to put my thoughts to paper? Is it a crisis of confidence or maybe the difficulty lies in timing? Desire and inspiration rarely come when I have time to take advantage. Or just maybe . . .  the one subject that touches me most deeply and is intertwined throughout every aspect of my life is also the one subject I avoid. On the surface, I have good humor about this issue. Confidence even. But down deep I know my personality, family life, career and self worth have all been effected strongly by this one thing. This one number. My weight. The bitch.

And folks, accepting my body as it is and trying to love myself as I am . . . not really working. As long as cameras and mirrors exist so will the undeniable truth. I am fat and unhappy and have no one to blame but myself. Enough of feeling depressed and short tempered. Enough!
Some of you will get it, some of you will not. We all have our own hangups.  The last two years have been full of introspection, sharing and revelation.  A journey of discovery during which I have finally arrived to a simple conclusion. After 15 years of the same excuses it is time to lose the weight. I knew what to do. Always did.

An opportunity to make a change came about at the beginning of this year in the form of a 4 month long weight loss challenge at work (currently working part time at a park district). The contest would be competitive and include cash prizes at the end of each month.  I would have all the support I could hope for at home and at work. Being very competitive (it's in my genes, can't be helped) the desire to not only win but destroy my competitors would be a strong motivator. I could not deny I had the time and the location was perfect. Sincerely, I was out of excuses since the fitness center was only five feet from my office making avoidance impossible. Well, near impossible.
I was ready.

The contest would also be public. Everyone would know I was participating and ask often how I was progressing. Very hard to avoid a goal everyone keeps reminding you about. Ugh. I paid my money to join the challenge. Damn it here we go. No turning back now. At first the attention was a bit unwelcome but the more I shared, the stronger the camaraderie, the stronger my resolve became. So many questions and tips to share. Everyone wanted to know what I was doing to lose weight. What were my goals. What was working and what was not. What was I eating. Was I eating? Where did I find plus size work out clothes and so on. The road I was no on, was hardly the road less traveled. So much information to share. If only I had a blog to . . . . Hey!

I will adjust the direction of my blog. Focusing on what has and has not worked for me in the areas of goal setting and achieving, good nutrition, fitness, building healthy habits and motivation.  I of course will also share my progress as I work on my own goals in weight loss and more. As always you are welcome to share your own experiences as well.

To begin I will share this: At the start of the contest on January 2, 2012  I was 5 foot 7 inches and weighed 260 pounds.

Be excellent to each other,

Barbara